Fees & Illusions; Falling Processes.

How strong Wobble's reaction was when I told her the title of this blog. (She is my canny editor) "Most people" she said, "do not want to be disillusioned because they don’t know that they are full of illusions in the first place. Plus, why would you or anyone else want to be party to depressing people by disillusioning them all the time?".

I was stung by that because I certainly do not want to depress people. I recovered quickly and said "If I had known before I went to University, that all lecturers were not good, that the University administration was not perfect, that the students were not all interested in learning, I would have had a far better time".

 "But rebellion is a natural process of growing up" She interjected rebelliously.

Knowing that she too had major disillusionments as a youth and young adult, I sought to explain more fully.  "I think we are talking about the same thing - not rebellion per se, but individuation - which is a process that is natural and can happen through constructive interaction. It does not have to be antagonistic".

I genuinely thought all those years ago upon entering the University campus,  that I would be swept off my feet by the brilliance of the lecturers, by the free thought discussions. By the shared ideal of searching for solutions to society's ills. This did not happen. Lectures were mostly delivered with no or minimal discussion. Knowledge was mostly deposited upon us, obedient, silent students in a formulaic fashion. I was rescued by the fact that I was employed part-time in various jobs. I sometimes felt that I learnt more from working than I did during my studies.  What I learnt from working was that each work role had specified responsibilities and that I played a small but important part in the workplace. That sense of empowerment, despite my meager earnings, provided me with a sense of place in the world. Something that  was markedly absent during my student-hood in the early years. Being one of thousands with no participation apart from handing in assignments marked by someone who would not recall having ever seen you, certainly piles up the sense of disillusionment and disempowerment.

How then can there be hidden treasure in the process of disillusionment?

Illumined Illusions.

Firstly, it is important to understand that there is treasure in illusions. With unbridled idealism and hope, we are invigorated and inspired to engage in the world. At school, perhaps we deal with our disappointments as I did - by moving our idealism to a further point in time and place. I had a mantram; "Oh well, at least at university, I will be able to speak and share ideas with people of similar passions to contribute to creating health and welfare for all".

We feel, usually as youth and young adults, that we can make the changes that our foremothers perhaps could not. The illusion is not just the projected idealism - expecting others to be powerful, knowledgeable, caring, available etc. It includes the introjected ideal, the sense of grandiosity that my idealism, my enthusiasm and dedication can achieve a lot. Not necessarily more than those around me, but certainly more than our foremothers.

When Illusions Fall.

Then, as we go about our engaging, we begin to see that our idealised authorities, the lecturers etc, are not as all powerful and all competent as we thought. Our idealism that was projected onto the University crashes. Sometimes quickly, sometimes over a few years. In addition to this is the notion that my ideal of myself also crashes when I struggle to meet the pressures that the studies demand. I can then either blame my feelings of disempowerment and failure on the betrayal of my teachers and leaders who have failed to match my ideal, or I can turn it on myself, feeling that I have failed to achieve what I had hoped and I am now not good enough. Or, a bit of each.

Stepping into Self Sufficiency?

This disillusionment is a step toward a greater sense of self sufficiency. Disillusionment is part of the process of independence - no longer relying on others to be all and do all for us. It is the step toward the autonomous self that can contribute to society without being overly dependent on those in society to provide for us.

Negotiating this crucial phase of psychosocial development can be disastrous for some people and in the current case, for some institutions and perhaps our whole nation. This occurs when the disillusionment becomes a sense that my grandiosity is affronted by the betrayal of the authorities to do what they have promised to do and then my unconscious refusal to individuate.

Instead of taking up the mantle to create the world that I wish to create with others in  a more cooperative, balanced, way, I become reactionary and rebellious thereby sinking myself further into the abyss of dependency - expecting the idealised authority to continuously provide.

Three Illusions Crashing.

 I become enraged by my own failure to cope and to enact the idealised change. However, because I do not want to face my disillusionment in myself , I need to blame the idealised other. In this case,  I blame the failure of the treacherous authorities to provide free education. In my struggle to cope with these calamitous disillusionments, I revert to earlier dependency by becoming the tyrannical outraged young rebel, demanding that the authority act according to the ideal that I have about them - that they have the power to provide.

The individuation process is now frozen in the space between striving for self- sufficiency versus seeking others to provide. At this point, the perception remains that the others might still, if forced, agree to provide - after all, they are just withholding the goods from us. Herein lies the extra illusion that needs to crash. That is, the illusion that regardless of the stance of the authority - witholding or not,  the ideal itself has simple solutions that can happen instantly or at least very soon. In this case, the perception of many is that the structures of the economy and governance have the capacity to support the whole of society adequately and can just deposit the money into the University coffers today.

The more I seek to retain the illusion that others have the power to provide this simple solution instantly, the more tacit  permission  I grant to my own destructive behaviour. After all,  my power to intimidate others to force a shutdown of operations,  at least makes me feel less helpless. The illusion of my grandiose self and the simple instant solution is constantly fed. The more the I perceive the authorities as withholding the goods, the more powerless I feel, the more enraged I become at their refusal to provide.  It literally becomes a vicious cycle.

The allure of the new emerging autonomous self becomes lost amongst the false glamour of 'heroic rebellion'. Enemies have to be made in order to act out these illusions. The University was the original enemy. Then  a little of that illusion cracked - that maybe the Universities were not the only part of the problem. The outraged grandiose self needed to keep finding new targets as each illusion began cracking, so the government, then the stock exchange were targeted. The police are now amongst the list of enemies that have to be continually created to keep serving the illusions.

Stepping into the Self-Sufficient Self.

How does the outraged rebel step into the emerging self-sufficient self? Thankfully, there are few who get stuck in the  dependent, 'rebel against withholding provider' stage. There is a natural desire to become independent on the path toward understanding and participating in the healthy interdependence of adulthood. That process is when the young person recognizes that through our independence we all contribute and therefore have a level of mutual dependence - all playing our part to provide for our well -being.

We are beginning to see some of the students and some aspects of the authorities - government, Universities and parents begin the process of engaging together. Some people are inviting greater engagement and staying true to that intention.

As more people from all sides avoid the temptation to fall into victimhood or perpetrator-hood, so the real work can begin.  As the rebel begins to seek empowerment through mutual cooperation, the other illusions will fall - hopefully more gently. This will be a more natural process as student groups engage with the arduous task of working together. To begin recognizing that they are no longer the receivers of provisions, but they too, are providers.

The illusion that others can instantly provide solutions will fade as each young adult begins to recognize that they are part of the solution. Not their violence and intimidation, but their intelligence, their growing knowledge, their ability to work in teams with a range of others. That they too, may harness their dedication in positive ways to steadily, over time , add to a better society through providing a free, respectful, nourishing, and compassionate education system.